According to research from John Gottman, 69% of all relationship fights are unresolvable. What does this mean? It means a couple might have differences that look like this: one partner is clean; one is dirty, or one is a saver, and one is a spender. Unresolvable relationship problems come in many shapes and sizes, but essentially, it is the idea that these problems are never going to go away. You can't make a clean person suddenly okay with an untidy home, just like you can't make an untidy person suddenly a neat freak. So, how to couples move forward when they find themselves in gridlock over perpetual problems?
Tip #1 - Couples need to talk about their problems. They also need to keep it gentle and nonjudgemental to avoid getting into a fight.
One suggested option is to have an open and honest dialogue with your partner. You need to try to really under your partner's perspective. Try to see what values and life experiences make them who they are. Take time to be open and curious. No criticism, no attacks, no defensiveness. The point of the conversation isn't to get your point across. It also isn't to make them understand their part of the problem. Rather, it is to seek clarity on their position.
Tip #2 - Compromise! A relationship can still thrive with perpetual conflict.
My partner and I certainly have our own perpetual problems. My husband is more of a homebody, and I like my time with my friends. How do we balance this? We respect this difference and compromise on when and how we will spend time together and apart. My husband and I both make sacrifices to meet the needs of each other and we are happy to do that. Our goal is for our partner to be happy and to feel loved and supported in the relationship. Our goal is not to get what we want. That might look like him getting jealous, or me getting mad that he "never wants to do what I want."
Since 69% of couples have perpetual conflict, it is most likely you will have perpetual conflict in your current relationship. Additionally, should you move on, you will likely encounter another perpetual problem in your next relationship.
The good news is:
"...you don't have to resolve your major marital conflicts for your marriage to thrive." John Gottman
No one is right, and no one is wrong. The goal in any relationship should be building a trusting and loving bond. So, don't lose sight of these long-term goals when discussing perpetual problems. Work on accepting your partner for who they are and focus on the positive parts of your partner and your relationship instead of the negative. Perpetual problems can't be solved, so don't focus on that. Instead, focus on how to move forward with compromise to make the relationship work!
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